Once a year we celebrate
With stupid hats and plastic plates
The fact that you were able to make
Another trip around the sun

And the whole clan gathers round
And gifts and laughter do abound
And we let out a joyful sound
And sing that stupid song

Happy birthday!
Now you're one year older!
Happy birthday!
Your life still isn't over!
Happy birthday!
You did not accomplish much
But you didn't die this year
I guess that's good enough

So let's drink to your fading health
And hope you don't remind yourself
The chance of finding fame and wealth
Decrease with every year

Does it feel like you're doing laps
And eating food and taking naps
And hoping that someday perhaps
Your life will hold some cheer

Happy birthday!
What have you done that matters?
Happy birthday!
You're starting to get fatter
Happy birthday!
It's downhill from now on
Try not to remind yourself
Your best years are all gone

If cryogenics were all free
Then you could live like Walt Disney
And live for all eternity
Inside a block of ice

But instead your time is set
This is the only life you get
And though it hasn't ended yet
Sometimes you wish it might

Happy birthday!
You wish you had more money
Happy birthday!
Your life's so sad it's funny
Happy birthday!
How much more can you take?
But your friends are hungry
So just cut the stupid cake

Happy birthday!
Happy birthday!
Happy birthday, dear...
(random calling out of names, including Ralph, Bill, Ralph Kramden,
Skippy, the bush kangaroo, and the b-b-b-b-b-bu-bu-bu- that leads into
";Dangerous";)